Abandon Ship! Summer Projects & Procrastination

I realize I’ve had a couple of summers recently, where I’ve been pulled into projects that I should be up for doing. That should be in my wheelhouse, and yet, I never feel that way, Imposter Syndrome, I suppose. But also, a lack of motivation, it always feels like too much work for not enough pay off or something along those lines…

Background: I handle the website and social media accounts for SIFTMedia 215 , a female film and media collective of black and latinx women in Philadelphia. In my role, I’ve found myself needing to have an editing application to do simple video edits to make content for their platforms.  I use something called Filmora 9.  During the discussion regarding their collective documentary film The COVID1619 Project , it came up that I could assist with creating the 60 second trailer needed for the film. That I would be learning how to cut a trailer from Stephen, the professional film editor SIFT hired, who said I could shadow him.  We met once, in person at his home. I felt we hit it off, only after, I  couldn’t get him to meet again.  Personally, I think (not to toot my own horn), that he cold have been attracted to me and thought it best, as a married man, not to further engage. Or more likely, he got too busy to teach and didn’t wanna be slowed down by a novice.  Nadine (SIFT’s Managing Director)  had given me her Macbook Pro with Davinci Resolve editing software included, so he suggested I fool with DaVinci and create my own edit, and then send it to him to clean up; but I wanted to sit and learn from him or not do it at all.  I didn’t feel like figuring it out myself, especially on a Mac computer.
 
He finished the 60 second trailer without me. He did a terrific job, as expected.  I then figured that was the end of things.  But then when the MOM Film Festival said we had to submit a 30 sec trailer, Nadine once again looked to me.  Only 30 secs, but I still didn’t want to figure it out on the Macbook Pro, so I gave that back to Nadine and just used my Filmora 9.  I took Stephen’s 60 sec trailer added some of Melissa’s animation piece to the front and cut it down to 30 seconds. Sent it to Nadine & Nikki, they never responded. Not even after I reminded them, so obviously they didn’t approve.  

I hated that the project plagued me most of my summer, trying to figure out a time to try and do it and constantly feeling some kind a way about it, where I just kept putting if off and putting it off.  It was a lot of stress and agita for nothing. The MOM Film Fest accepted the 60 second trailer.   I did talk to Nadine about it a little.  I explained that I had my heart set on actually shadowing Stephen, not just using my own limited skills and having him fix up my trial, that’s not how I wanted to learn.  But to be fair, I knew I could have been more playful about the whole thing.  Actually, that’s one key to life, in most matters, but also so difficult to maintain.  Especially after my Mom’s death in February of this year.  I just wasn’t feeling playful.  I was in more of a, I have 100 things on my plate to do and I just need to tick them off and put them to bed, frame of mind.

But I’m also reminded that this happened summer of 2019 with the Marvel (MCU) PFCC/Franklin Institute Panel. I was terrified to be on this panel about Marvel films.  I love them, but I’m no superhero/comicbook geek who retains this stuff backwards and forwards and knows all the Easter Eggs. Yet the people going to PAY to attend the talk would be those people! Eventually, I met with Dan Tabor, who is a geek (in a good way) and he gave me talking points for my part and beyond that I just planned to stay silent during the talk.  As it turned out the event got cancelled due to low ticket sales and after all my rehearsal, I never used any of it. 
 
Then in 2020 the author who wrote the original book on the Chicago 7 trial was going to have a Book event and wanted me to Moderate/Interview him.  I fretted over that one too.  I’d watched the movie, but I was not well-versed enough to moderate a discussion.  I then had to read his book and dig deep to find meaningful questions that also equated to the current state of politics and social justice.  Once again, the event got cancelled due to low ticket sales.  I eventually did a Zoom interview with the author for my own Youtube channel since I was so well prepared.  But that video has gotten like 34 views in 3 years.
 
I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be learning exactly, I suppose it is about being more playful with this stuff or being more trusting of myself or being more ignited and less defeated going into these types of things?  Although, I actually was excited about sitting with an editor and learning some techniques to make things look more professional.  It always seems after all the stress, the thing dissipates into nothingness.  It’s never that I over came and persevered and it was all worth it.  Nor is it I failed miserably and look at the fallout.  

I just can’t let this happen to another summer.  If someone wants me to work on a project (especially if it comes to me in May or June) and it doesn’t sound fun or stops being fun.  Abandon ship!  It won’t be worth the trouble or mental acrobatics.